Lifestyles Ideas Management - Care giving

This is the real story of s struggle of a single woman.
My mother, whom I live with, suffered a stroke six months ago. She is now bedridden and since I am the only sibling who is not married, I have had to juggle work with looking after her. Even though there is a helper (maid) to help, I am depressed and stressed out from catering to her needs. She always needs my attention and I feel obliged to do all I can for her. But I have no time for myself. I do not think I can continue to live like this, even for another few months. What can I do?

I am always against sibling whom assumed that because a person is single it is duty bound and naturally so for the single person to look after the elderly parents. I know of a distant friend who is actually in the similar position. He is worse off, both parent is dementia and He have to juggle between his teaching music and looking after both elderly folks. Formerly he is good looking but now he looked haggard and old with one of the front tooth gone. It is sad to know that many single persons is facing such situation and some had even taken their lives in their own hand. There was one suicide case where it was reported in the national newspaper about a woman in early forties jumped from her apartment few years old. Her mother was bed-ridden after a stroke and she left her job permanently as a caregiver. The first few months she seemed able to cope as her siblings came frequently to help out. But as times goes back, the help became lesser and fewer, so much so it was taken for granted that she ought to look after her mother. She was not aware of her burnt-out emotional draining chores of being a caregiver, neither did she knows that depression seeped in gradually. She was depressed and stressed out but there was no one to confide to, the sibling thought that she was coping alright. One day it must be the depression that made her decide to take her own life as a release from her troubled circumstance, this circumstance was beyond what she could handle or take. This was her break point, life was nothing but suffering and more suffering. Everything became dark even though the sun was shinning brightly, all she saw was the dark side of life.

Caregiving is a journey that can be demanding at all levels – physically emotionally and financially. It is a journey you must be prepared for and a big part of that is working out how to involve others – and not just the helper (maid). Others must be willing to help out.

It would be good to have an open discussion with your mum and other family members about the current situation, as differently family members may have different expectations. You need to let your siblings know about the problems that you are facing and discuss how they could share some of the responsibility.
You might find it difficult; given the other siblings have their own families to care for. But you have to remember that you will be caring for your mother for a long time to come and need to be on guard against “burnout”. You will become increasingly unable to cope if you do not get more help. The consequences for the whole family including your mum, if this happens will be much worse.

Another way you can help yourself is to understand more about your mother’s reaction to her recent stroke. Like most stroke patients, she may be experiencing feeling of helplessness, fear and anger. She may be so overwhelmed by her own emotions that she has not considered your needs and difficulties. Understanding what she is going through would help you communicate better with her which in turn will improve your caregiving.

Your and your helper could also learn more and how to provide the proper care by attending course. This will help to reduce stress that comes from not knowing what care to provide and how to give it. It includes knowing hoe to lift, transfer or feed the patient.

Caring for yourself is the most important part of caregiving. You can provide the “good” care you aim for when you are healthy and strong. You need to take care of your emotionally state and your physical health as well as your social, leisure and recreational needs. Most importantly, remember that you are not alone. There are support groups where you can get encouragement and support from other caregivers.

I remembered my 18th floor neighbour’s daughter suffered through a stroke one day while she was having dinner with some friends. She fell off the chair. She lead an active lifestyle with playing ball games and exercises thrice a week. She was a keen mountaineer and went afar for hiking and trekking. As compared to me, I was not active and exercise only twice a week by brisk walking to the supermarket and homebound with bags of chips and peanut butter cookies. She was small size and slim whereas I am medium size and average build. After the stroke, her bubbling nature changed to feeling of anger about everything and everyone. When I met her at the vicinity park, she would glared at me with her angry eyes as if I was the cause of her misery. But I understood and took it with stride; deep inside I am feeling empathy and sympathy for her and hope that she will pick up her life again. She probably has been pointing finger at God and ask “Why” such thing happened to her and not her medium size and average build neighbour.
Till today, she put on weight and walk with a slight limp, her right hand is immobile, never did she recovered from her stroke. She speaks with a stutter.
I have seen stroke patient living till today doing normal activities and never can tell that they suffered from stroke before. The acceptance level, attitudes and perception on lifestyles management is taking life as it comes with trials and tribulations. The essence of maturity is the ability to look beyond what we can see.